Success and Authenticity

Almost everyone wants to work at the highest level, and we aspire to do great things, but very few people are willing to pay the price of that. I am seen as someone who is extremely positive and confident, and that is true in the most honest and authentic way. But it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. Underneath those attributes there has been a self-assurance checklist. A result of insecurity, fear and a bucket full of lessons learned. I am sharing this story with you with the intention to acknowledge that I have had my share of f*ck ups and lessons, and to remind you that you are not alone. I see you.

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There has been a trend throughout my life. One that has caused me to struggle internally both in my personal life and my professional career. I recognized it when I was 20 years old and I knew it was true, but I was afraid. The worst part was I also knew that this problem would continue to follow me around everywhere I went until I dealt with it head on. But for a very VERY long time I didn’t have the self-confidence or self-awareness to face the fear. So, as most of us do, I buried it until it would happen the next time, and the next time, and the next time. I couldn’t find the courage to overcome this hurdle and that made me question everything I thought I knew to be true about myself. I felt defeated, and I would struggle to find new ways to forgive myself and bounce back.  

Throughout my career, because I didn’t like confrontation or to hurt people’s feelings and I like to stay positive, this would stop me from saying what I really mean. It was no different in my personal life, and I think it’s harder in your personal life because there is more at stake. Every new environment I entered, I found myself in a position with a person who I would allow to have complete power over me. They were the type to be the ultimate intimidator; opinionated, rigid, dominating, intolerant and biased. In their presence I would immediately crumble. I felt downright uncomfortable in my own skin and unable to be the strong confident woman who I knew myself to be. 

I would say yes when I meant no, and I would get myself wound up into conversations that I absolutely did not support or believe in. I was agreeable because I was afraid using my voice would cause conflict, and I wasn’t comfortable with conflict (yet). I would go home and hate myself for leading these people to believe that I was someone who I was not. I had survived my traumatizing teenage experience, moved to a new city by myself, and I was on a high-status career path. I could not understand why I had the kahunas to survive and support myself for all these years, but I couldn’t find my voice. Sometimes it was hard for me to look in the mirror and feel proud because I knew I was not speaking my truth.

Until you can say what you mean and be your authentic self you will never be truly successful.

When you’re being your real you, you don’t have to forgive yourself for anything.

This carried on for a decade as I continued to crawl up the ladder in my career, until one day when I reached the very top. At the top, the intimidators who I encountered made most of the others I had met previously seem like golden retrievers. These ones were exceptionally prickly. I had grown so much not only as a leader, but as a woman. My team admired and respected me, and it was time for me to expect the same from my intimidators. It all came to head with a crucial conversation, one on one, face to face, planned and scheduled. I had many talks with myself to and from work reciting in my head how it would all go down. I kept reminding myself that I failed to rise to the occasion when I had been given many opportunities in the past, and I remembered how crushed I felt when I chickened out. 

I started to think about who I was to my team, as their leader. I knew this was the conversation I wouldn’t back down from because I wasn’t just doing it for me, I was doing it for them. They were worth the fear and discomfort. I was as ready as I could be to the point that I didn’t even care if I got fired because I believed in the message I was about to deliver with every ounce of my being. That day, that conversation, I white-knuckled it like a champ and I spoke my truth. It wasn’t easy. It was intense, and we had a difference of opinion. I got cut off in mid-sentence repeatedly and the person who I was speaking with was dishonest at times and not willing to budge. This time I didn’t back down. I never raised my voice, but I was direct, and I drove my point home until there was a small glimpse of compromise. When it was over, to say I left the room with the biggest smile on my face would be an understatement. I was free.

From that point forward I would never hold back again. It took me getting to the top to truly find my voice. There was no one else to go into that room, people were counting on me. It was my job to show up and I did it my own way— composed, authentic, constructive and specific. But the real lesson was, I realized I no longer needed to be at the top. Since that day I have had many opportunities to practice using my voice and I wholeheartedly embrace those moments as I continue to grow and find comfort in the discomfort. I have learned how to pick my battles wisely, and I believe once you are truly secure you don’t need armour when bullets are being thrown at you because things and people can no longer hurt you. That's the place we're all striving to get to, but I’m not sure if anyone gets there fully.

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Until you can say what you mean and be your authentic self you will never be truly successful. When you’re being your real you, you don’t have to forgive yourself for anything. And if you want to be your own self, you have to be comfortable with the possibility of being alone. Especially if you’re in a position of leadership or you’re making your own rules as an entrepreneur. If you’re not willing to be alone, you can’t make your own decisions. You have to set your own agenda because then you are separating yourself from all the people who can’t set their own agenda. And that’s lonely.

It doesn’t mean you don’t have friends or a support system, but you have to imagine the possibility of them not being there because authenticity only comes from one source, you. You have to have a really strong self. I had a couple of core people who had my back and understood what I was going through. But even then, they didn’t always show up for me, and I’ve learned it’s always up to us, our own selves. Until you really own it all, people will sway you in the wrong direction. We have to be our best friend, our best warrior. Success is a byproduct of authenticity.

I dedicate this blog to my Mom and a close friend and confidant (you know who you are). They inspired me to use my voice here, today, with you.